


What I feel for you is far worse

by Snowingiron



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Fenris realizes stuff, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 08:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowingiron/pseuds/Snowingiron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Fenders February prompt: <b>Hug from behind</b></p><p> </p><p>  <i>"I love you."</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>As soon as those words left Anders' mouth Fenris walked right up into his face, shoving him backwards so the mage would tumble a few steps.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>"Don't say that, not ever, do you hear me? Not even when we're dying"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	What I feel for you is far worse

  
As soon as those words left Anders' mouth Fenris walked right up into his face, shoving him backwards so the mage would tumble a few steps. Fenris felt hot and cold at the same time. His face was burning but from the inside he felt like winter's grasp was tearing him apart.

 

"Don't say that, not ever, do you hear me? Not even when we're dying," he hissed and watched Anders picking himself up with a scowl on his face.

 

"You're really selfish, Fenris." Anders wiped his face with his sleeve and laughed bitterly. "You threatened Isabela when she flirted with me, you insist that we sleep in the same bed and I know you watch me when I'm trying to sleep. You love me! Why don't you just say it? Does it make it all real for you? Well, guess what: It already is real." He was getting close again and Fenris tensed when he felt Anders' breath against his face, their noses almost touching. "Everytime you kiss me, everytime you fuck me... It doesn't matter how rough it is, Fenris. I can feel it."

 

Fenris swallowed and saw Anders' gaze flickering to his lips, slightly leaning forward, pleading, begging, hoping. But Fenris took a step back.

 

"It's all true. But I don't love you." Anders opened his mouth with a frown but Fenris shook his head. "Don't expect me to say it. What I feel for you is far worse."

  
And that seemed to finish Anders off, his shoulders sank and he started to wrinkle his nose, a sign that he was close to tears. But he only huffed and then turned around, slumping down on one of his cots, face buried in his hands.

 

"What in the void does that even mean?"

 

It was just a murmur, like he was talking to himself and Fenris was an intruder. To be honest, that was what he felt like most of the times. What they did, what they had... it didn't feel good but they couldn't stop doing it. He would always come to Anders and Anders would always lift the covers of his tiny bed, giving away every last of his comforts to feel at least Fenris' teeth and claws. He wanted to crawl inside of Anders, he wanted to devour him like the beast Danarius had turned him into and it scared him. It scared him and that wasn't _love_. How could Anders _love_ someone like that?

 

It's not that he didn't want to. He wanted to love Anders and he wanted to be able to say it. He wanted to feel happy with Anders, not tortured by need. When he said it, he didn't want to have any regrets. But Anders was sitting there now, fingers clenched in his own hair to the point that the tie in it fell off. He was suffering because he loved Fenris and Fenris didn't love him back.

 

Somehow that felt even worse than everything else. So Fenris moved closer, silently, and put one knee on the cot behind Anders' back, before he pulled him into a hug. He pressed his nose into the strawberry blonde hair that he liked so much, arms wrapped tightly around his chest and Fenris' breath hitched. Anders was shaking.

 

"You are crying."

 

"Oh really? Of course I'm crying you blighted elf! I just got my stupid heart broken!“ Anders sobbed angrily, yet he grapped the arm that was hunched over his shoulder and pressed his face into it, drying his tears by rubbing against Fenris' sleeve.

  
Fenris was at a loss of words. If only he knew how to talk about his feelings. How to explain what was going inside of him, without hurting the man he wanted so much. The _mage_ that he shouldn't want. Surely Varric would be happy to provide an encyclopedia of metaphors and adjectives and Hawke would stand behind him, cheering him on. But he was alone now and had to figure it out on his own.

 

"Why do you love me?" Fenris asked quietly and pulled Anders' closer. Maybe it was good that they couldn't look into each other's eye. It was easier. Anders sighed.

 

"You're not the only one who called me an abomination or worse, you know... Plenty of people did and I didn't always correct them, because ever since Justice and I joined I have changed. I'm not just a man anymore. They all saw that and they walked away from me. You saw it too, you saw the worst in me, but you stayed... even more, you wanted me and... I" Anders' grip on Fenris' arm tightenend. "I felll for you. Because you know what that kind of thing does to people. You know it, you _understand_."

 

Ah. That was it, wasn't it? Anders understood, too, even though Fenris had dismissed him so often. When there was talking about slavery, Anders would look at him first, with concern in his eyes. He always had one eye on the situation and one on the elf. Perhaps Fenris hadn't given him enough credit for all of that. For his feelings. Now Fenris regretted his outburst.

 

"Say it again," he whispered.

 

"What do you mean?" Anders sniffled. But then he understood. "I love you...?"

 

Somehow it didn't feel as bad as it had a few minutes ago. Suddenly the knot inside of his chest losened and he exhaled, closing his eyes and nosing at Anders' neck.

 

"Thank you... I will say it back when I'm ready. I promise."

 

Fenris couldn't see him, but he knew that Anders was smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> [squishysoul.tumblr.com](http://squishysoul.tumblr.com/)


End file.
